Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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