Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
