my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
