Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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