saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
