I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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