the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
