We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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