You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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