Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
