I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
