I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
