THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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