Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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