I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize