Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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