there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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