My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
