life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
