If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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