Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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