hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
