last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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