I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
