well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
