A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
