New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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