...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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