Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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