Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
