this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
