I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
