I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
