Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
