did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
