enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
