even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Randomize
