To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
