Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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