I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
