Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
