i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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