so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
