I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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