You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize