oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
