Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
