All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
