i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
