What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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