WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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