one might say we're banned from that church
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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