Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
