i wish my penis had a tongue
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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