I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Fuck me I smell like cheese
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
