my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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